|
[Friday
July 8th At 11:37PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
everyone's breaking up
&making promises
they dont keep.
&falling apart
&going away
&changing
sorry I haven't been on msn
in a decade.
we moved & now it doesn't work
At all..
AIM & Yahoo do..
if that counts.
otherwise text i guess.
you could do that jake..
the time
the place is perfect
your eyes
shown right through the surface
im taking you home
i have you here
and we are alone
so think fast
Before we have to part
say something
anything clever to win this girls heart
the night grows cold
& this thinking of
where we going
so don't go now
i need you here some how
so don't go
don't go
i need you.
|
|
| just ask the question, come untie the knot, say you won't care. |
[Wednesday
June 29th At 5:44PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
New American Classic - TBS |
] |
I didn't think it was possible
but he's breaking my heart,
all over again. =(
Every word he says
or doesn't say
just makes me ache inside.
I wish I could give up
'cause I don't want to love him anymore.
'But theres one thing I can do nothing about.'
there's only one person who can break me like this.
& it's you.
|
|
| oh why can't I be what you need? |
[Sunday
June 26th At 5:27PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sore. |
] |
So yesterday was the worst day.
I had a really busy/frustrating
day of work then afterwards
we went to the mall to shoooop.
But of course I had to see CJ.
Thank goodness he didn't see I saw him.
So I just kept walking to avoid conversation
& introductions, to his new girlfriend.
She's a cheerleader. =|
Kara said he definitely saw me
so whateva. I hate that kid.
Well anyways after that we left right away
& were heading to dinner, while I was bitching
Lol.
But across the street from the resturant we were heading to
Kara & I went boom in my mom's car.
=( We're okay, but my mom's car isn't.
Probably 3,000$ worth of damage. ahh
I didn't have my seat belt on soo
I hit my head on something
& put my arm out, some where
& I think I either fractured or just jammed my wrist pretty bad.
It hurts to move it today.
Better than yesterday though, I think, my whole arm just hurt really badly.
But then again after taking medicine it felt all better
& today medicine doesn't help.
So I suppose I'll be getting that looked at tomorrow.
I called in sick to work last night
I told Mindy I "Sort of got into a car accident."
Lol
|
|
| So you think you can hold the world up by a string? |
[Saturday
June 4th At 10:16PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giddy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Howie Day - She Says |
] |
Yessssssssss.
I <3 everything atm.
Victoria called & talked to me last night for a bit..
ah she's so adorable. I love her like woah.
We're going to get married & laugh at straight girls.
yesss. haha
I lovelove my boss, he definitely hired the coolest kid in the world:
Colten. He's skater/emo/punk/adorable. He's pretty shy but so awesome, and he has this greaaaaat smile.
I have a feeling we're going to get along juuuuust fine ;)
I'm burning him cds so he'll love me forever. lol
surprises rule.
Hm-hm-hmmm 5 days until Cancun! yes.
I think I want to get my nails done.. because that's pretty.
But then again I don't know.. blah anyways..
haha Jason's getting a kick out of all of my sex icons.
psh they're the best.
la-de-da i miss michael.
Oh & my My myspace is better than yours.
|
|
| I'll fight like hell to hide that I'm giving up. |
[Thursday
June 2nd At 8:16PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fine |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bright Eyes - Lua |
] |
it's been forever since I've written in here..
Mister Jake fixed it all for me so I shall ship him some sex.
yess.
Matt dyed my hair today, we decided some blonde highlights would look good.. especially since I'll be all tan & what not in mexico.
ahaha yeah right..
Rawr. =( I hate debating over anything with anyone
it's so annoying. I don't care if your opinion is different than mine, just don't try to convince me you're right. Damn
alright well I think this is a good enough post, maybe?
I'm tired & I don't feel like being on the computer anymore.. so tv time biatch.
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|
|
[Sunday
March 20th At 12:04AM] |
|
|
|
| The park bench rant. |
[Tuesday
March 8th At 3:12AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
empty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Only One - Yellowcard |
] |
So I'm lame and should be shot. Ohwell I guess.
I was taking a supposed 'break' from Michael like I said, and last night I was thinking if I should go ahead and wait for him to talk to me before we start talking again, or continue with my orignal plan and talk to him monday (today). So I woke up & checked my phone, he had texted me already. He was like "I can understand if you're upset with me but this silent treatment sucks.. a lot" so I was like ha I guess I need not to wait any longer. So we texted back and forth for a while.. then I said we should talk tonight & he said that's cool. I got to think about talking to him.. which made me think of the whole situation and I kind of got in this weird mood. But I went ahead and called him anyways at 7 like I promised. Pretty much the entire time I was silent.. I was kinda watching TV and mostly thinking about he & Lindsey & this whole speech I had planned to tell him. He was all like "I think you're still mad at me" and I'm like "blah that's dumb i can't be mad at you for this" and he's like "Well then, upset." & I couldn't disagree with that one. I am definitely still upset. Hearing his voice just makes me think of the situation. I guess I haven't had to think about that a whole lot since he told me, except for when I was on the phone with him. So I told him why I was being so gay.. and told him how i had this huge planned out speech to tell him but it turns out it's all stupid and irrelevent and what ever. I basicly just told him how I think it's time for me to stop thinking there's some possibility that we could be together some day. Because that's what causes all these problems.. that's what makes me so jealous & not such a great friend. It's okay if I love him forever, which I gaurentee I will. But it's not okay for me to hold on to wanting him, forever. He didn't say much, as usual. He doesn't know what to say in situations like that. So that was pretty stupid, I felt like an idiot confessing all of this shit and he's just silent. He gets quiet because all he can think is that it's his fault some how.. and how he hates for me to be upset. I know he does, and it's just all wrong. None of this is his fault. -sighs- I wish this was easier.. I wish I didn't love every single thing to do with him. When it comes down to it he just makes me happy, even if we can't be together. Because I know he feels the same way about me.. everything he does proves that, you know. The sweetest thing is how I adore saying I love him and meaning is so much. I think everyone in their life time says I love you at least one time and means it with every fiber in their being.. and this is one of the times. It's the first and could be the last, so maybe that's why it's just so hard to let go of my dream.
But some things just have to be done.
|
|
| what have I done? It's too late for that. |
[Sunday
March 6th At 11:14PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 reflective |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cherry Wine - Jupiter Sunrise |
] |
Hm today was interesting. Last day of working this weekend.. it was a fairly good weekend. I didn't get to work with Ryan as much as I did when I started but still =) it's fun to have him around. Hm-hm-hmm my grandmama is here finally. She's crazy big, like heavy.. all my life i've known her she's been such a skinny little thing but now she's like at least 250lbs. So weird man. but it's kinda amusing.. I swear grandmas are destined to become fat. ALthough she'll never be one of those who have the biggest asses/hips in all the land.. she's never had an ass. Yeah this is a weird topic.. i wish I wasn't so random. I'm almost done taking a break from Michael. 3 days doesn't really count, I don't think.. but it's kinda a lot for me? I don't know, it wasn't really a break at all.. I still think about him everyday and twice on sundays. I even wound up reading old emails from him & things. This stuff isn't planned it's like a addicted to him. Lol maybe I should get the Michael patch. Bleh I'm so lame. at least i'm updating.. yes. So Jacob not jake & i have become pretty good friends. I don't know, we're just kinda weird aquantinces.. it's hard to describe. There's just some kind of unsaid understanding between us to where we can just talk like we've known eachother forever, when ever we want to.. it doesn't have to be a daily thing. I call him on breaks and stuff to see how he's doing. pretty cool pretty cool. He's definitely earned my respect, which is weird for me, but nonetheless very cool. I guess i'm going to stop typing now.. i want some chicken.
to think I might not see those eyes makes it so hard.
|
|
| your words are deadly weapons, killing me, destorying me. |
[Friday
March 4th At 1:17AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
From First to Last - Secrets Don't Make Friends |
] |
Soo.. I'm updating.
Things are lame..
I'm having a break from Michael right now because I have to figure out if I'm going to try and forget him or not. Every time I open my mouth about him I hear from everyone "You need to get over him" they don't say it that blunt but that's always what they wind up telling me. I don't get it, I don't know why I have to get over him. I'm just used to holding on, incase anything ever changes.. I don't want to let go.. blah gay. Everything is weird, I'm like having to be a big girl. =(
I want him to just tell me he loves me. Everything he does, everything he says.. his actions just scream that he cares about me. I guess it's just been always like this, I always wonder & wait.. and I am ok with that.. because if I'm waiting that means there's a chance. I don't know know it's confusing what I think.. I just think if I do have to get over him then part of my closure will be to have to know how he feels.. so I can stop thinking "what if"
aldskfj I swear to god I cried all the tears I had last night. I always suspected.. but still to know for sure that he and lindsey.. had sex it's just like.. I don't know how to describe it even.
I was hysterical to put it short. & I feel so very horrible for not letting him enjoy the fact that ..yeah. Instead of being happy he was upset because he upset me. Like he felt guilty or something. I'm going to stop typing now, I
said too much anways. I shouldn't even post this. but I probably will
I feel like Seth Cohan on The OC. gay
|
|
| to think I might not see those eyes makes it so hard not to cry |
[Thursday
March 3rd At 9:36PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Run - Snow Patrol |
] |
Blah I know this isn't an update but I seriously heart this song and I finnnalllllllly found the lyrics so I'm posting them. So I can have them some where. I heard it on The OC & have spent 37 minutes trying to find the name of the song & the lyrics.
In Every Sunflower
By: Bell X1
My book has more bookmarks than pages
Because it take me ages
Or is everybody reading?
Is everybody reading?
Standing on a black Ulster hill
I never fear the chill
'Cos everybody's holding
Everybody's holding
I wouldn't swap the pain
For never knowing you
I wouldn't swap the pain
It was worth it for the view
My book has more bookmarks than pages
'Cos it take me ages
Or is everybody reading?
Is everybody reading?
Of a sparkling Medusa
With snakes of cerise and blue
And though we're all pillars of salt now
It was worth it for the view
I wouldn't swap the pain
For never knowing you
I wouldn't swap the pain
'Cos it was worth it for the view
We're still watching
Your rainbow through the shower
And we still see you
In every sunflower
We're still watching
I make days from the hours
And I still see you
In every sunflower
Every screaming sunflower
And how they scream of you
|
|
| Hypothetical questions suck. |
[Thursday
March 3rd At 4:42AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Blank Sheet of Paper |
] |
I am just a blank sheet of paper
This fool's about to write you a letter
To tell you that he's sorry
For the way he did you wrong
To ask for your forgiveness
For leavin' you alone
He's been lookin' down at me
Seems like forever
He takes the top on and off his pen
It's like he can't decide
Just what he wants to say
If he'd just tell the truth
I'd be on my way
But he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now it's one hour later
And I am still a blank sheet of paper
The sunlight is shinin' through the curtains
He's almost asleep, pen in hand
There's a tear in his eye
That refuses to fall
If it would land on me
That would say it all
But he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now it's four hours later
And I am still a blank sheet of paper
And he just stares at me
I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he wants it back again
Now, one broken heart later
I'm still a blank sheet of paper
|
|
| Dairy Queen, grandparentals & teh Crow. |
[Tuesday
March 1st At 2:52PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pretty Girl (The Way) Sugarcult |
] |
i suck at updating.
there's not much to talk about.. oh yes there is.
I started my new job, biatch.
& I dare you to find one better than mine<3
I love the people I work with...
especially my boss..
tahaha ♥
So I only work weekends, 1-9 but it's almost enough.
only 4 more days until I getta work again.
5 more days until my g-ma comes here.
So I watched The Crow, finally.
& I'm obsessed with it/Brandon Lee.
he died making the film.. prop gun incident.
I want to visit his grave & give him flowers
it's in Seattle..
hm hm hmm &hearts The Crow is the best movie ever.
watch it bitches.
|
|
| Wise men say only fools rush in...but I can't help.. |
[Thursday
February 24th At 1:25AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dot dot dot... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Raining All the Time - Kill Hannah |
] |
To say I'm infatuated would be an understatement. =o I feel like jumping up and down saying "This isn't fair!" But at the same time I want to just yell at the top of my lungs "woo-hoo" Lol, like in Freaky Friday. Oh man. During the whole process of trying to pretend I have a wall and stop being so emotional, I think it actually worked. Even though I want to so bad, I'm holding back. I don't really understand, usually I'd be like "omgiloveyou" but right now all I have in the back of my mind is how many times i've been hurt so badly. I'm scared I think.. Mostly I'm just afraid that if he assumes I'm this wonderful person then come to find out I'm just not that extraordinary & he'll be dissapointed.. I don't want to dissapoint him. And here comes the "he's too good to be true" conscience. I wish I wasn't so jaded. I guess you're probably wondering who "he" is. Or maybe you don't care, but too bad. I'm going to tell you =) His name is James Howard.. I don't know his last name. Lol i don't even know his last name. But I do know that he's a football player, he has very selective hearing and he knows almost every line to the movie Napoleon Dynamite. Which, might I mention, i would too IF My mother hadn't taken the movie back before I could watch it eighty-seven million times. I guess I'll just have to buy that, now won't I ? Lol.
Anyways, in some ways I know a lot about him.. in other ways I don't. Maybe that's why this is so crazy. I think I should really try to go get some sleep now.. hopefully dream of him. Man, see how cheesy I sound?
Lol all I know is that this smile seems to be permanent.
|
|
| & we can't deny that we live together separately. |
[Wednesday
February 23rd At 8:48PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers |
] |
Well it's Wednesday. This used to be my favorite day of the week.. now they're all basicly the same. I guess weekends get my hopes up for being able to talk to Michael, but now since I'm going to be working Saturdays and Sundays 1pm-9pm that's not exactly going to work out. What ever though, I guess, there are some things that you just can't stop from happening.
So I didn't wake up until 3 or so.. then when I got around to talking it turns out I sound like an 80 year old man. Pretty fantastic. I don't know what kind of cold I have but it officially sucks. So I just layed around for a while because I still wasn't quite awake. Then my mom dragged me out of the house. We went to the mall, that was pretty cool. I got an At the Drive In t-shirt and some different earrings for the second piercing. Dustin, one of the guys who works at Hot Topic came around and was talking to me and my mom for a bit... he was trying to convince her to leave the store, but to give me her credit card first. Haha, he's a cutie. For some weird reason I actually had the guts to talk to him.. he doesn't make me nervous like most guys. I guess he kinda gives off one of those easy going vibes. Pretty cool -shrugs- anyways we spent a while in there talking to him.. Mm.. when we were checking out I was complaining about forgetting to use my frequent buyer card thing and he's like "well how many times do you think you've forgotten?" and kinda looked around then punched it like 25435 times. Lol i was like "wtf I didn't even spend 10$" and he just kept signing the stamps off.
So I decided that I'm going to propose to him, bubble gum ring machine style. Except for the romantic way, throwing the ring at him while it's still in the little plastic thing. Pretty awesome, huh? Yesss.. well I don't really feel like talking about anything else. So I guess I'm going to go ..find something to do.
there's my update for today, woo.
P.S. is it just me or when you think about the good things of a relationship that's over, doesn't it just make you feel even worse? there's no feeling better.
|
|
| Garden State. |
[Wednesday
February 23rd At 2:45AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Brand New - Sic Transit Gloria |
] |
Today I just kinda hung out with my mom.. we did random things like tried to go to the Salvation army.. but we only managed to survive about 5 whole minutes. It was pretty cool up until I was pissed because my pants sucked.. the zipper/fly or what ever like bulged and it made me look like I had a penis. So for about an hour my mom was like "what's wrong with you" finally I'm lik "IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE A FRIGGEN PENIS" and then we both just laughed, so I got over it. Lol ..yes I guess I'm kind of weird, but I couldn't help but think how everyone who looked at me must've been thinking "oh I think s'he' definitely has a secret" So that was pissing me off. Yeaaah anyways then we came home & I got a message from Ryan, the guy who gave me the interview at DQ. He was just wondering if I was still interested in the job.. I was like hmm let me check my schedule, not. Lol that was pretty cool.. I couldn't celebrate because that was shortly after the penis worrying incident so first I took a cold shower & then took the time to be excited about that. Michael finally texted me around 7 while I was watching Gilmore Girls with my mom. I was pissed, as usual, because we haven't been talking. Just the fact that whenever he's done with his friends if he feels like it, he'll schedule me in. What ever, you know? So I told him I was busy and maybe we could talk the next time he isn't too busy for me, like around June 5th. He didn't really get that sarcasm but oh well. I can't believe we're growing apart.. he's this huge part of me & I don't know if I can make it with out him. I mean, I know I won't die or anything.. I'll just really miss who I am/was with him. But things change, right?
I start a job on Saturday.
For some unknown reason Cody is back to chasing after me.
My best friend and my only true love is just fading away.
My life is changing so much right now and I'm just sitting here watch it all go by like it's some slow motion replay.
|
|
| But every time we kiss there's an emptiness...an absence of the heart |
[Tuesday
February 22nd At 3:10AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Three Days Grace - Home |
] |
Have you ever had a moment with someone when things start to become a little less platonic and a little more intimate? There's a thin line between "just friends" and ..a little more. =) I don't know, I kind of like the feeling of closeness. But it's kinda addicting. Lol
& That's all for tonight folks.
Sleeepy sleepy sleepy time.
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|
|
[Monday
February 21st At 7:49PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Abscence of the heart |
] |
So Jake is really sweet and takes it upon himself to update my journal for me.
Lol yes my name is Stephanie and I don't update my journal because I suck at life. I decided to stop writing my problems or what ever in this one so I never really can think of anything to write. I suppose I can start doing the whole "So I watched The Village & ate doritos" thing lol.
So mister el jay nazi I will start writiiiiiiing. =P
|
|
|
[Monday
February 21st At 3:13PM] |
|
my name's steph and i never update because i suck at life >:O
|
|
| So sick, so sick of being tired & oh so tired of being sick. |
[Friday
February 18th At 1:43AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Story of the Year - Sidewalks |
] |
hmm awesome.
today was gay and a half.
& it's all my fault.
thank you pms, thank you.
so guys, if you're reading this..
i'm sorry.
me being sick is like me being drunk
I just start saying all of this shit
I don't know why
I'm usually better at keeping it to myself..which seems to work out a hell of a lot better.
so yeah, I'm sorry.
and I'm sure that doesn't make anything better but it's the best I can do.
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